The Duke and I Went on a Walk

My camera phone does no justice.

This morning my best friend and I went on a walk. There was a storm brewing when I woke up. I found myself full of hate, fear, loathsomeness and spite. While my husband slept, The Duke and I ventured out. There is a beautiful walking path at Quiet Place Park near my house. It feels like fall outside not even close to a January’s chill. The air was crisp and sweet and I merely wore long sleeves and a light jacket. The rage within me grew as we walked down a fairly steep hill towards the park. There were cars and gravel and construction.

When we turned into the park. The world grew still. The further we walked the more the rage inside me was quelled, slowly. Church bells rang from town, sounding mass. There was peace. As we walked, I steadied myself put water to the fire inside. I hopped up on a log and the sight threw out any further thoughts. A valley of ferns and green and water and mountains and trees and sky and sun. It was beautiful.

To live is to feel and to have experiences and to grow and change from those experiences. Whether the experiences are positive or negative. We need to process feelings and events. We need to find ourselves among the rubble. We need to love and hate. 

I cling to my childhood with vigor. I still am excited over little things. I like remote controlled anything, comic books, coloring books and board games. Mostly, I cling to my childhood because my mother is there. I hold tight because that was when I was truly whole. You can hold tight to the past and grow into the future. While there are parts of me who cling to a child, I am married, I am an adult, I have a career, degrees, intelligence and love. I hold responsibilities and life. I have plans and dreams for the future.

We lose sight of the moment, lost in a veil of rage and trivial annoyances. We let people's actions or our current situations, our frustrations take hold. We all need to GROW UP. Life isn't about fighting and pain and trying to prove that we are the biggest and the baddest. Grow up. It's not about how cool you are or how rich or how beautiful. Life is about survival, finding the joy and peace in daily life, learning to cope with heartache and loss, learning to trust people to support you when you can't support yourself. I am happy I love my life because I've grown up but kept my childhood in my heart.

Lately, I've been having blinding pinpoints of realization. Little statements and mantras to keep me sane. Here are the things I've come up with to help remind me that life is a gift that we fight for.

Motivation Day: There are times we disappoint ourselves. We expect great things from ourselves maybe it's education, maybe it's a career, maybe it's family, maybe it's travel, maybe it's something else. We expect these things achieved at certain points in our life and when they're not realized many of us give up or loose gumption. Just because we gave ourselves a time line doesn't mean life is going to follow it. Sometimes it's the trip not the destination. Sometimes we have to admit defeat and sometimes we achieve all that we expected and more. But the point of all this is, right now, are you happy? If you're not happy that is the bigger loss than your expectations. I am happy and know that whatever I expect of myself will be realized over time and through hard work, patience and understanding. But I am happy.

Reflection Day: Our moments with the people we love can be long or brief and sometimes we let little things taint our time. We let the small things infiltrate and poison our love. We hold grudges, cling to regrets, replay moments that went wrong over and over, we over analyze and think to hard and talk ourselves out of forgiveness. We let our bitterness and our envy and our jealousy consume us. Often times we need to learn to let things go, so we can enjoy the time we have with the people we care about. I just want everyone to know that while I may bitch and moan about the little things I value the bigger things which is having you in my life. Thank you.

There will be more days like these, I'm sure but I'm no prophet and my life is no great matter.