Christmas Day. In the warm shadow of the Christmas tree or simply surrounded by the warmth of your loved ones you open gifts, drink coffee (or hot cocoa) and revel in the love and closeness of those in your life. Even if you are alone and a few mailed gifts trickle in and you wait, ever eager for Christmas Day to open them. It’s a magical day, whether you spend it visiting family, going to the movies (or surfing for my family, back in the day), volunteering, or sitting in front of the TV it’s a day that touches you. Phone calls are made to family and friends, texts and Facebook posts are shared through space and we feel happy and loved, even if our lives are miserable.
I love Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It’s beautiful. The anticipation, excitement and love flow and pour out of us uncontrollably. It’s the build up and the months leading to those days, that makes me turn away from the holidays. I love gift-giving. I love hugs and Santa hats and spending time with family as much as the next person BUT I also extremely hate people. Not every people mind you but it seems the months before Christmas causes people to dig down deep and dredge up their putrid evilness. Black Friday, traffic, car accidents, yelling, screaming, trampling, long lines, mean, harsh, cheating, stealing people. Everyone transforms into their evil twin all to claim the ultimate Christmas gift. They put themselves in debt, the stress out, worry, fret and fight all for a day of peace and serenity and joy. Something is wrong with that.
I am just happy to spend time with the people I care about and heck if someone gets me a book or a pair of socks, it’s amazing how grateful I am. We take our nearest and dearest for granted, all year long. Holidays are a time of reflection and catching up, of actually talking to our family and friends with our mouths. Not about who can buy you the “perfect” gift. It drives me crazy that people don’t see what’s right in front of them except for that one day, if we’re lucky. I’m also not a fan of Christmas Carols. THEY NEVER CHANGE! The Carols are played on a loop in every grocery and retail store, restaurants, gas stations, even your friend’s homes. I can’t handle it.
There is a bigger weight than just watching the madness that is “The Holidays.” For those of us who have lost someone, are losing someone, or have health problems this season is a struggle to get through. My mother made Christmas the best time of the year. We had amazing traditions and she went so overboard. After she passed away, it was really hard to summon that same enthusiasm. My father is, in my eyes a superhero, but even a great man must have a weakness. Take a testosterone filled macho man and force him to try and raise 4 young girls and things fall to the wayside. He did what he could but he didn’t know what he was doing. It’s hard for any parent to have to fill four shoes: their own and their spouses. It does take a village to raise a family. Yes, my mother WAS Christmas Spirit and I want to honor her but powering through Christmas is the hardest part of honoring her. It takes all of my strength.
My body fights me, a lot. Between not being able to eat much thanks to my awesomely weak stomach and having issues with my lady parts. It’s hard to forget yourself and let yourself revel in the holidays. When you’re a guest at someone’s house and you have to say no to the food because you didn’t take Imodium or pepto, you feel horrible. When you’re trying to get into the Christmas spirit and you forgot tampons and your body bleeds through your underwear, it’s embarrassing. My husband and I went home for Christmas and I love spending time with his family. It’s a component of the holidays that has been missing. My family is great but getting to Hawaii is hard and expensive. I’ve spent so many years living so far away from them I don’t even know what to expect for the holidays or if I would even be welcomed. My husband’s family has embraced me with open arms. My physical ailments have always kept me at arm’s length pretty much from everyone. I cry when I tell my doctor and when I have an unexpected episode I wail and rage against my body. I never know what it’s planning or what form its attack will take. It’s a frustrating existence.
I know there are many people with worse ailments and struggles than me, who have a more crippling existence where the holidays are harder than imagined. I am sorry for anyone who struggles through the holiday whether it is emotional, financial, physical or mental pain. These are just my woes; these are my reasons for the holidays being hard. I feel everyone should be respected and should be able to express themselves. This is my expression of why I am a humbug. I am working on regaining my holiday spirit. Everyone needs to know that the holidays aren’t about money or gifts; it’s about family and acceptance.